Time to mix things up again. Thanks to my friend Tim Kastelle for sharing Brené Brown's TED Talk on vulnerability. She writes here on cultivating worthiness...
Practicing courage, compassion, and connection in our daily lives is how we cultivate worthiness. The key word is practice. Mary Daly, a theologian, writes, “Courage is like—it’s a habitus, a habit, a virtue: You get it by courageous acts.
Thank you so much to Todd for this uplifting post with wisdom from Brene Brown. Here's to the gifts of imperfection and the power of vulnerability.
Hello Gina,
I have a big ask of you — if you’re up to it. I would appreciate it if you would help me out with this–with what the (apparent) wisdom is in Brown’s 20 minute talk is.
I’ve listened to it before, and just did again, and it does nothing worthwhile for me; in fact it rubs me the wrong the way. I agree with some of her conclusions, and actually live them–long before I ever heard of her. I believe in vulnerability, living courageously, authentically, honestly, transparently, compassionately, lovingly (of course I define love differently than is conventional).
But I also aspire to live virtuously, to include my conscience and to include moral compass and moral goodness and decency in my psychological and spiritual growth.
And I’m not a cold or unfeeling guy. (Does Brown’s stuff just speak to women? Is this a “Mars/Venus” thing??)
Yet so much of what Brown says does not resonate with me, and in fact leaves me shaking my head–as in, no, this isn’t the way to go if you want to *truly* (as in deeply, and lastingly) instill these qualities. I believe many people will hear her message and try to live in alignment with what she says and recommends, but I also suspect that these attempts will be rather faddish, superficial. That’s part of what I find so off-putting in her presentation, and even in what I’ve read thus far in two of her books–so much of what she says seems to be dealt with so superficially.
So it comes off to me as if that’s what she’s actually (and likely inadvertently) promoting (I’m assuming she means well)–a superficial wholeheartedness, a superficial (or surfacy) authenticity and vulnerability, a superficial way of trying to connect with others.
In Schnarch, I see real wisdom, with real teeth, with real depth. The way he writes about intimacy (the result of what happens when we’re vulnerable and authentic and we make a real connection with another human being; intimacy doesn’t have to include physical intimacy, intimacy can also lead to what Lewis and Aristotle and Emerson regard as “Friendship”), differentiation (read: authenticity, development of one’s authentic or core self) makes sense, resonates, has depth, profundity, can lead to some significant life-changes.
But Brown’s stuff just falls very flat and lifeless with me. The stuff about her venture into therapy, her “hacking into our lives,” her slant on parenting (I’m a step-dad to three and about to be an actual bio-dad for the first time in a couple of months. And, heck yes, I’m excited!!!). I love my three step-children and I have no difficulties seeing how they are different, seeing how they are individuals, seeing areas they need some coaching and correcting and oversight in, and other areas where they need some encouragement, and other areas where they need support and praise and positive reinforcement. But I have no interest in raising my 4 in the way she advocates. I don’t want them to be perfect, I don’t think of them as perfect, I don’t encourage them to be perfect or that my love and interest in them is conditional on their appearing perfect. They are more than allowed (and in fact encouraged) to be fully human.
So, anyways, Gina, if you feel up to it, or if you can and want to, help me out; give me some sense of what I’m missing. And if you don’t want to, then no worries.
Warmest regards as always,
John
Hello John,
First of all, thank you for apparently respecting my opinion enough to ask me about the information contained in this reblog of a friend’s post. However I’m sure you’ll be disappointed because I do not have a strong enough opinion one way or the other to comment on Brené Brown. I have only recently begun hearing about her through people whom I respect.
So as far as a reply to your inquiry, my answer is that I cannot help you out with what her ‘apparent’ wisdom is because I have not fully discovered it for myself yet, having not begun any study of her work. The teachers who speak to us and resonate within our hearts are a highly personal choice, and I trust that my readers have the innate intelligence to filter out what doesn’t fit or work for them, and keep what does resonate and makes sense for them.
One thing I wish to address is your concluding comments about “her slant on parenting” and that you “have no difficulties seeing how [your children] are different, seeing how they are individuals” and that you “have no interest in raising my 4 in the way she advocates. I don’t want them to be perfect…. I don’t encourage them to be perfect or that my love and interest in them is conditional on their appearing perfect.”
John I want to add some clarity about what she said. She put up the words ‘we perfect’ as something we do NOT want to do, along with ‘make the uncertain certain’ and ‘we pretend’. These are things she recommends we do NOT do. After talking about the harm that comes from buried shame and blame, and how left unaddressed these make us try to ‘perfect’ our lives, she said, “It doesn’t work”.
She said, “We perfect, most dangerously, our children…. They’re hard-wired for struggle when they get here. When you hold those perfect little babies in your hands, our job is NOT to say, ‘Look at her – she’s perfect! My job is just to keep her perfect, make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade.’ That’s NOT our job! Our job is to say, ‘You know what? You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.’ ”
I wanted to conclude with this for clarity, as I feel that in no way is she advocating that our children have to be perfect before they are deserving of our love. Quite the contrary.
Thanks for sharing your comment John. Be well.
Kindest Regards,
Gina
Thanks so much for the reply, Gina! And, apologies for my clumsiness in the ending of my comment. What I found objectionable was her characterization of parenting. It was a strawman-type argument. And what I meant to say was that I have no interest in even setting up a perfect v imperfect dualism with my children. Yes, we’re all hard-wired for struggle (“Life isn’t pleasure, it’s constant struggle driven by relentless tension.” – Richard Rose); to me that’s a no-brainer, and it’s a large part of why helicopter parenting is so objectionable. My approach will always be do your best, try your best, be good and kind to others and yourself, treat others in the way that you would want yourself treated, invest yourself in activities that interest you, work at developing your talents, et cetera, but know that you’re going to be loved by your mother and me no matter whether you do this or not, succeed in all of this or not, even try to do your best or not. (You’ll just get less lecture and timeouts if you follow path A rather than B.)
But the characterization of good parenting as “When you hold those perfect little babies in your hands, our job is NOT to say, ‘Look at her – she’s perfect! My job is just to keep her perfect, make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade.’ That’s NOT our job! Our job is to say, ‘You know what? You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging’.” Why bring perfect v imperfect into it at all? That’s what I don’t get. Why not: When you hold those perfect little babies in your hands, our job is to say, ‘Look at her – she’s perfect! And my job is to do my best raising you, guiding you, loving you, attending to you, caring for you, teaching you, nurturing you.” Or “My job is not to neglect you and damage you and yell and scream at you and lose my cool 20 times a day with you and be grossly inconsistent and hypocritical around you, or use you as my personal narcissistic project and make you into what I wish I had been as a kid,” et cetera.
I’m just wondering what type of world she lives in that “our job is NOT to say, ‘Look at her – she’s perfect! My job is just to keep her perfect, make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade.’ That’s NOT our job! Our job is to say, ‘You know what? You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging’ ” is what not only speaks to her but to others (her audience). (Or maybe it’s me who is out of touch?) Is she addressing herself to a rather affluent audience and their luxury problems and luxury malaises? Many of the children that I work with and teach are fairly affluent, but that’s not the way I would characterize most of the mis-mothering I see. I do see the helicopter parenting, and I also see the narcissisticness, but what I see most lacking in general is a focus on the child’s moral development in anything but a cursory way. I see many (not all, but a fair majority of) parents paying lip service to ideals such as truth, goodness, doing your best, keeping one’s word (or not giving one’s word lightly), doing the right thing, loyalty, responsibility, commitment, thinking, service, giving back, appreciation, community, fairness, justice, et cetera. being perfect or imperfect doesn’t even occur to me. It’s more about whether a person (parent or child, and especially a child) is mailing it in or is actually trying to be a good parent and do a good job of parenting their child(ren) and not just trying to keep up the appearance of doing so.
I hope that clarifies a bit better what I was trying to say.
Thanks again for your response, Gina.
Warmest regards,
John
Hi John, I have been digging into Brene Brown’s research a bit recently and I think I understand where your confusion comes from. Please bear with me while I try my best to explain.
You seem not have issues with perfectionism, lucky you. However I think the reason Brene seems to appeal to many women is because we are more prone to trying to be perfect. After all there are many many people out there with “Mummy issues”, as the mother is often the main caregiver. (By the way I for one am so glad that Dad’s are getting more input these days). Yet often women believe we will get the blame if our children turn out unhappy. This pressure has been passed on for many generations and so our mothers were taught these instincts by their mothers and so on.
Yes, as parents most of us try to hold the principles you mentioned in highest esteem, – “do your best, try your best, be good and kind to others and yourself, treat others in the way that you would want yourself treated, invest yourself in activities that interest you, work at developing your talents, et cetera, but know that you’re going to be loved by your mother and me no matter whether you do this or not, succeed in all of this or not, even try to do your best or not.” – “And my job is to do my best raising you, guiding you, loving you, attending to you, caring for you, teaching you, nurturing you.” Or “My job is not to neglect you and damage you and yell and scream at you and lose my cool 20 times a day with you and be grossly inconsistent and hypocritical around you, or use you as my personal narcissistic project and make you into what I wish I had been as a kid”
If anyone can keep this up 24/7 with their biological children they are indeed the PERFECT Parent. These are the exact ‘perfect’ ideals we hope to achieve, yet we often fall short despite our best attempts. Hence the need to understand why?
You see I try my best as a mother, I focus hard to do all the things you mentioned above, Yet I still find myself reacting badly as a parent. No matter how many times I try hard to stop my negative emotional reactions, they still spew from me. It is much easier to be in control of these emotions when I am not loaded up with the weight of responsibility my role as a parent comes with, or my intense love for someone I created which I take on the full responsibility for their happiness (This would be a completely different story with my nieces who I also love intensely because they come without the full weight of onus on me! Even if they lived with me, because I didn’t bring them into this world). It can become too much pressure and the quickest response is to lose control (Understand I do not name call or hit my girls, I do not swear at them or get down on them when they fail. I tell them I love them, I pray with them and tuck them into warm clean safe bed with full healthy tummies every night!) But I linked happiness with being right and whenever their emotions or opinions or behaviour goes outside the scope of what I think is right I get scared and my reaction is what shames them. I found Brene’s research helped me understand why so i could change it.
It appears to me from her talks and interviews etc, that the shame we all experience is the poison that has caused an epidemic of self-loathing and defensive self-protection, to the point of devastating consequences over the modern world. From emotionally reactive parenting, to addiction, to materialism, to sexually deviant tendencies, to mental illness, to narcissism, through to perfectionism and more. For many are trying in one way or another to quieten the voices of shame, therefor their instincts change from completely maternal and nurturing to shooting down those who aim implied shame attacks on us (most often those we love the most!)
My internal issues of shame and insecurity are not so simply controlled, they are the platform which my (automatic, fast, well-practiced since childhood) reactions spring from. I can not change these until I understand why, to have another option, and begin to apply said options. Please read my post below on the massive breakthrough I received recently, after learning from Brene.
I believe the superficial elements of her talk are included in the “fake it til you make it” process of learning, growth, change etc. They are about finding a new way to be proactive after understanding how damaging our hidden shame reactions can be.
Yourself and your children may never need to understand Brene Browns research and that is a testament to your parenting and your parents, however not all of us are that lucky. My mother tired her best, but her constant desire for perfection drove me to insecurity and self-condemnation without her even realising it. Here is the link to my post which I hope you will stop by to check out so I can explain this further.
http://innerangelsandenemies.wordpress.com/2013/01/29/beginning-to-undo-the-damage/
Blessings to you!
John, I am blown away by your willingness and courage to reallllllly investigate, to sit with, and “sort out” (for lack of a better word!) what is on your heart. THAT inspires me. So often folks jump on the “bandwagon” (and though I actually get a lot out of the message Brene Brown is sending — she does throw in some “cutesy” and “popular” and “surfacy” ways of attracting readers/listeners and this is quite a bandwagon…Brene’s video has been one of THE most viewed TED videos) without really feeling it out and seeing if it resonates with them. It is really an act of courage to sit with this and not just “jump on the bandwagon.” Rather than comment on the specifics of Brene’s ideas and yours, I just wanted to tell you that! THAT inspires courage in others! And Gina, it speaks so highly of you that someone feels SAFE enough to ask you to dialogue with them! Love to you guys, Lisa
Thanks so much for telling us this Lisa! It’s very observant of you to salute John in how he goes deeply into the things he contemplates. And yes, I thank you again John for your delving into topics and courageously opening dialogue about things you are wondering about. I am ever so thankful for this forum where we all can share. Love to you both! xo ~Gina
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